sometimes when everything gets too much i wish that i didn’t have to think about it all - i just want to be normal, to be how i was in the past. this thing has cast a shadow over my last 2 years in university, especially my last semester, it has ruined what could have been purely good memories of graduation, summer, grad trip - and right now it is ruining the start of work, the beginning of new things. and there’s the question that always begets guilt - why do i have to face the consequences of something that isn’t my fault? as someone who is generally confrontational, i now understand why people choose to avoid problems. thinking about it makes me sick in the stomach, and most of the time i can’t bring myself to talk about it because i don’t want to make it more real than it already is.

and in july i finally admitted to someone the very thing that has been scaring me over the past few months - that i am no longer the optimistic person that i once used to be. i no longer have faith that this will end well